Dear Ableism

As you can see this is a letter that I am writing to you in the HOPE that putting these everyday and constant thoughts onto paper I have on a daily may or might change between you and I. A change that may open up our eyes wider to see the bigger picture and/or problems that we all face today. We know that there are a lot of issues and problems that we all face today. The question is who is it to blame for all these issues and problems that we encounter everyday and that we face everyday of what has happened in the past and present?

Just to let you know before I continue writing this letter and share this to the world. I’m speaking only for me, as an Aspie, but I believe that there are others like me that has something to say as well. They may like to write to you as well or even share with you their feelings and thoughts about you and state their case and or claims too and hopefully they’ll be listened to closely as well.

I believe wholeheartedly that I may have carried you around for a very long time without knowing or realising that you were there and existed in my life. To be honest, I thought I got rid of you before you wrecked havoc in my life for a period of time in my life where no one will know me or my existence.

Only to find a great number of the rest of the world still wielded you like a social axe with sharp oppression edges and it’s like dying the death of a million paper cuts that we cut ourselves everyday.

I was at least young to wake up and realise when I very first noticed you, but you were there from birth. You morphed into a massive weight around my neck as I aged. I wore you like a restrictive, chafing Elizabethan neck collar as well as a chafing Elizabethan corset. I thought you were necessary in my eyes because the world around me did.  No one told me to rip you off and be proud until my 30’s in which I am now in my 30s.

Sometimes I find myself still picking you back up and wearing you again. Just like an old worn work shirt. Like the one you might choose to wear when doing a dirty, unlikeable task in our everyday life.

So in the interests of trying to dispatch you into the void of the past, I’d like to ask you to stop doing some things.

Sometimes you are like an invisible radio, you broadcast these things through other people, but the signal is sometimes just accepted.  It’s time to change the channel, change the signal.

Sometimes you broadcast your poisonous frequency from abled people and sometimes  from other disabled people – so however you broadcast them, the list is the same.

Impairment judgement. You don’t and won’t  get to judge:

  • How Autistic I am.  Those with genuine expertise or lived experience don’t use high and low functioning anymore.  With “high” and “low” you set me up to fail or have certain expectations of me so low I cannot achieve – either way you then use inappropriate measures of me to incorrectly prove your prejudice.  Ask questions if you must (or maybe just read this list and apply it!), it’s better than rank some assumption. 
  • How I speak or even if I speak at all. You also don’t get to interpret my innate directness as rude.  I can be hyperverbal, a chatterbox and I can want to not talk to anyone.  It’s not your call to make, whether this is necessary or not.  I can communicate with you whether verbal or not, but it might not be in way you expect or how you expect it.  Give my communication the same respect as any form of communication and take time to appreciate it.  Speech is not the only form of communication and Autistic communication is different (not deficit). 
  • How I think or process information. There isn’t one way to think.  I may seem to go around things in a different way, but what I produce, what I do, and what I say (or not say) are valid.  Thinking is not measured against the neurotypical only.
  • How my senses operate and how I take care of my environment.  You don’t get to decide if it’s too bright, too loud or too many people in a space for me. Or whether I should force eye contact or not (I’m doing my best to look at your glasses or eyebrows usually, then looking away regularly).  I get to decide how I manage that, and I do know what hurts me.  I can not change my sensory parameters to suit yours, I am not a machine with dials and switches anymore than you are.  I cannot step out of my senses.  
  • How social I am or am not.  To you it’s anti-social, to me it’s self-care.  My need for solitude, peace and privacy is not your business.  I also am not in need of a dinner companion because you have decided it’s lonely.  I will seek the company of other people when I want and if I can.  My social boundaries are different, not wrong.
  • What I call myself. You can say “person with autism”, but to me autism isn’t something separate from me and it is not something to be ashamed of.  For me, I am autistic or autistic person.  Or as I classically call myself everyday an Aspie.
  • How I do a task. I know what I can do, so don’t exclude me from a task because it is too “stressful” “challenging” for me based on your limited judgement of me or without checking with or in with me first.  This happens to autistic people even when we are skilled and qualified and have a proven track record.  I also deserve to try something now and modify a task to fit my known workarounds and ways I use aids and accommodations to suite my needs.  I also deserve the right to abandon a task if it does get too much for me.  I will seek support if and when I need it. Don’t make these decisions for me.  

Assistance Policing.  This is my final ask.  You don’t get to decide:

  • How I do or don’t use aids or accommodations. Using communication techniques or social scripts that I have learned from the neurotypical world are my choice to use as I see fit.  They are no different to any other disability aid.  I won’t use them all the time.  But when I need to feel safe it is my right to use them like a semi-ambulant persons uses a stick at times and then sometimes not.  Give me that right to decide for myself.
  • Whether I’m masking.  I’ve had people counsel me about the dangers of masking or think I am being untrue to my nature when I use communication aids and tools.  I know “masking” can hurt me by ruining my health especially my mental health and I know my “rudeness or directness or realness” is perfectly okay for me as I accept who I am with all my faults, flaws and imperfections.  I also know that after years of abuse from neurotypical people I tend to start slowly and may mask for self-preservation.  I’ve made the decision to mask from time to time to feel safe and that is my darn given right.  Sometimes I will choose to mask because I know logically (if not emotionally) that I may offend (on a given topic).  I ask neurotypical people to take time to get to know my communication styles as well and sometimes I need to do that for them too.  I pick my own battles (sometimes poorly!) and that’s my right also. I pick my own battles to know which one to keep fighting and any to let go or give up if need be! Make no mistake, I will not always mask. One form of oppression doesn’t need to be matched with another.

So, Dear Ableism, to be completely autistic, or even as said to be complete Aspie, I’ve had enough of you.  This is my last communication to you and I wish you well and hope that you shall and will not return anymore in my life.

Do not reply.  Go hastily into the night or day and do not forever return.


To the many friends who has left me because of my Mental Illness

To the many friends who has left me because of my Mental Illness

I am going to be real and transparent to you all who maybe reading this right now and if need be to expose almost everything out of the dark skeleton closet. This letter I’m reading/writing to you all who is reading this is one of the many that are the hardest to write to date to really expose my thoughts and feelings. Yes, I’ll admit to you all that sometimes I can be a pain in the arse or whatever yet it’s not fair or even good to even try to label me with everything under the sun. Why? Because that will just strip me from everything that I have been working myself on and that I also have hear them all before and I am doing best to be the best I can be for ME. Yet, let me tell you that these labels doesn’t deserve to be put on me as they should be put on the books or even on glass jars.

I know that there will be people that will come and go in our life for a time, reason, season and a purpose. May be they are there to expose us, to tear us down, to build us up. Yet, whatever the reason- or terms of events of some situations that we do personally struggle and go through in life of what we may face and what we go through will sure as hell test us who’s real and who’s going to be there as well as having our backs right to the end of tim. This can be a test also based on TRUST. Trust for me has always been hard for me to remain as to whatever it may be that the quote I lived by is this: “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” I do find it hard sometimes to trust people in my circle, so if you come in and then I start to open up to you my worst and dark fears along with secrets. Congratulations. I am now entrusting you with my life to trust you for whatever I share with you will remain between us til that time comes if need to reveal or share it to the world.

As I write this to you all and while you are reading this – I want to say this from the bottom of my heart thank you. That is the truth that is all I can do right now just to thank you. I want to say thank you for being a part of my life when you did decide to come in and be there for a time, season, purpose or reason. I want to say again thank you for leaving me and making me a stronger younger woman despite it being a real and scary as well as an emotional rollercoaster. I have now opened up my eyes wider and to see deeper to realise that all of this has to be done for me and me only. MY CHOICE ALONE NOT YOURS. I have now opened up my eyes wider and to see deeper to realise that this step I am making for change is for me to get better in myself in all areas – mentally, physically and spiritually.

Yes I’ll admit again that this can be the hardest decision you and I will ever have to make to date while having a mental illness to constantly seeing people that walk in and out of your life but at the same time this gives you and I a chance and opportunity to reevaluate and think about our relationships. If you were not ready and able to handle me now at my worst then you’re sure as hell not ready or so don’t deserve to be there at my best.

I want you to know while I sit and write/read this to you that mental illness is real and it’s not fake. You may or could get or have some type too. But, let me tell you that brains like any other organs we have are beautiful and that they’re responsible for so many tasks to do. And like any other organisation of the body or system – they can and will get sick. The fact is about our minds that it too becomes sick yet it takes years to notice before it starts to manifest into something else. When it does finally arrive and come knocking at our door to make its presence known, you might be able to minimise the pain for a short period of time or a short while without anyone noticing as we try to hide it as best as we can and not to show how and what it feels like but after holding or suppressing it for so long, it comes back like karma and a boomerang that keeps on returning and never leaves.


Too people around you- it’s like a quick and sudden change of moods, thoughts and attitudes all in a quick 360 in a short period of time and space. But in fact, it has been there all along- just real slowly and deeply stabbing you like a sharp dagger.


At some point in your llife- depression can and get so bad to the point where we just want to stay in bed due to the lack of motivation and energy that has been drained out of us or even to the point where it comes when we brush our teeth it becomes a choice and not a chore or part of a routine. Eating our meals of the good three times a day routine is nearly impossible and can go out the window as well as keeping up with homework/schoolwork or just general work that we do everyday can be and will be or become a challenge. Maintaining friendships is also a difficult task. I expect you to understand how I feel some days after to what I have been sharing pen to paper or in this case keyboard to screen or even just by watching some of my videos to share my life story.But, all I can do again is hope since you may not have experienced mental illness then again maybe you have but at some point in my life just being there for me can be more than enough as well as important as in talking to me and keeping in touch with me everyday. A call or a text message will be greatly appreciated as you took the time out of your day to see how I am and what I am doing.
What I do know and understand is this- in how hard it is not to have people in your life that you can turn to or to reach out to that you thought you were your best friends, confidant and more. You thought that you could seek out and just talk to them. What I do know and understand is that any mental illness of any kind doesn’t or can’t define me. What I do know and understand is that I will not invalidate myself just because of my mental illness or beat myself up if I have already lost a few friends along the way or even try to cry myself to sleep or worry about it. I believe I shall and will become better- I shall and will win the little accomplishments that I have made I should be forever grateful for of what I do everyday- Just being able to be in the moment. To breathe, live, love, laugh, dance and sing along with any other activities I love to do to build me up and look deep down to find out who and what is the real me.I shall and will keep practicing or continue to practice self-love and self-care. I shall and will seek help when I’m ready and when I need it. I wont let this stigma of mental illness win.


Aspie 🙂

Looking Into the Eyes of the Bully:Letter to the Bully

Looking Into the Eyes of the Bully:Letter to the Bully

Dear Bully or to the ones who thinks that it’s okay to hurt others in a way to make others around you suffer, so that you can claim your prize or reward that you thought you’ve won? No! Sorry, things do not work this way in the real world. Does it feel good for you inside that you feel you can accomplish anything, as well as to terrorize or cause agony, pain or grief towards the ones that you’ve given a hard time to? Does it make you feel good seeing the ones that you give them a hard time to feel worthless or helpless? What gives you or who gives you the damn right to terrorize others around you or giving others that are around you a hard time? I’m sick and tired of crying at night, laying there all alone feeling like I’m nothing, when I now believe that I’m something. Just because you’re having a bad day at home, school or at work,   it doesn’t give you the right to treat everyone that way.

NOTHING. You’ll feel absolute nothing towards us, despite whatever it is that you’re going through, or even thinking that we’re the problem when in reality, you’re the problem!You’veno right to treat others this way, as I’m one of the people you were giving a hard time. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way-on the treatment that you gave me-and that I’m sick and tired that feeling every day that I was a victim too. I’m sick and tired that every day you came into my life with your attitude and thinking, you were right all the time; that no one else around you has any good opinion. You refused to listen, as you thought strongly that they were against you. And that, you didn’t even bother to try and listen to them as they talked, thought and felt the way they do from your harsh treatment.

I will not think that I am a victim any more, after the times you did put me through hell. I shall and will however label or moreover myself a victor, as I’ve been through more, and what you put me through has made me a stronger and wiser person today than ever before. You bully however, need to take on full responsibilities for your own actions and these actions are being watched by others and are being noted.

As I said before, yes I’ve been through a lot. But that I’m not going to let it stop me from what I’m doing today, or what I’m becoming. I’m a stronger and better person today than I was a few years back. Yes, I feel that you have a lot of growing up to do as well as more learning. You can try and pick at my faults and more, yet this is who and what I am, and I’m beginning to become my future. The faults of mine that you may see in me are a reflection of yourself. You need to admit that you’re the problem and deal with your problem. You need to stop lying to yourself and others that everything’s okay, when you believe and know wholeheartedly it’s not okay. You need to stop thinking that, how you treat and speak to others is okay. You need to be the one to be able to break the cycle of what you’re doing and facing right now as I see in you, chains, holding you back and down. I see that you’re living behind a mask.

I used to be one of those hiding behind masks, for a while. The chains I see need to be broken emotionally and spiritually. I see when I look into your eyes that you’re heartless and afraid, and it’s normal to be afraid of many circumstances. Remove that macho act and admit what I’m saying to you right now, that’s true. I ‘experienced this and this isn’t a pretty sight. Everyone has his/her own issues and demons to face, as well as everyday struggles. High praises to others around me that had found solutions and ways to break free from these cycles instead of complaining about it.

Sadly, there a few out there thinking about ending their lives or feeling hopeless and helpless. I say this to those ones contemplating to do so – don’t end your life today for you’re loved, you’re unique, you’ve got a purpose in life even if you don’t think or feel that you do. I love each and every one of you, and hope that this message will bring hope and peace in your lives right now in the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

Just remember that you’re not alone and that there’s help out there for you all. I’m speaking from my heart and based on my experiences I’ve been through. Don’t make the same mistakes in your lives. It does no good for others on the other side trying to put you down, trying to ruin you and your self-worth, self-confidence and more. These bullies need to know what’s going on with us as well as them. We need to be kind to one another and love one another. Forgive one another and so much more.


A Letter to My Anxiety

A Letter to My Anxiety 

Just a little side note: Before I begin, these letter that will be on my series for the “Dear….” that some of these were written a long time ago and all that we need to express ourselves one way or another- be it through our videos, writing and more.

Yes! Some of the topics I may choose to write and share with the world may be touchy yet it needs to be shared from what I have been through along with many others that may have as well, My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more in each other – as a reader and writer. I feel in my heart right now that some of these everyday topics that we choose to sweep under the carpet or under our feet, to ignore them or to just deny the fact that it is not happening but in fact let us be REAL here IT IS HAPPENING. Whatever is happening in our lives, we need to question, “Why are they acting this way?” How are they really feeling?” etc. We cannot always blame others for our thoughts, actions and circumstances as we need to understand and see it from a bigger picture. With this one and many more that I wish to share, however besides it being touchy that I pray and hope that it does shed some light and encouragement to let you all know that we are not alone!!


Dear Anxiety:

I am a new, stronger and better person- Thank you. Do you remember the first time we met? I sure as hell do. I remember the first time we met so clearly, yet it may have been so long ago. We met when I first started trying to make friends while moving and transitioning to one town or city to the next. The second time we met was after another season and transition of change that you became apparent and showed up again, while I was maturing and started the dating scene.

Anxiety, you do however tend to show up unexpectedly and unannounced when I just feel comfortable and at home and turn my world that I thought I knew, upside down. Every day, every minute, every hour I spent awake laying in my bed and this dark feeling sweeping over and inside of me will awaken me from my deepest and darkest slumber. From there on, you were almost like a friend of mine, trying to steal everything in life that was in reach and at arm’s length. At first – I was too blind and in oblivion to what you were trying to do to me, and when I knew that my world was spinning out of control as well as sending waves of emotions sweeping in and around me to the point where I could not breathe or control myself, I started to hate you. I then began to hate myself also, as well as blaming myself as I thought everything that I was going on was my fault. I hated you for ruining my life, innocence and more. The more hatred I began to feel for you and towards you- the darker and heavier my heart began to feel, and then Depression came into my life, and also became a friend of mine. The feelings were so real towards you were true and that some days, they felt so strong I did not want to live anymore as I wanted to close everything off and shut down everything in my life. I have now however, tried to reach out and to explain to people who cared about me, yet I got tired of explaining myself and my behaviours to them. That then caused them so much anger, hate and more towards me. I tried to reach out to them once more and when I did that, they thought in their minds that “I was too complicated”, “Too hard to understand” and many other labels. These thoughts became so overwhelming for me that frustration started to grow inside of me, as well as other mixed feelings that I was trying to tame.

Despite everything I faced, either big or small, I say thank you, Anxiety. You taught me more than I will ever know and you did. However, you pushed me to some boundaries that I dared not push myself. I then began to learn more about myself as well as loving myself more, and to treat myself more with respect which I so much craved for. Yes, I am human. Anxiety, you pushed me to take a step of the unknown to remain true to myself and to be positive and help me to create a better and brighter future.

As I have now grown up and am becoming a stronger, independent and confident young woman taking the first baby steps to finding what I need in life as at the moment, I am still a student whose self-teaching and self-learning in this walk of life. Despite it all, Anxiety, you are still hovering over and around me to start to stress and panic over deadlines, assignments and more. I am now the one who  has now  started pushing herself to go further and to move on forward and not look back. Yes, I have made plenty of mistakes and I am not proud of them. Have we not all made mistakes that we are not proud of or want to try and bury and forget them? Despite these mistakes and choices made, they are my life lessons, teaching me everything in what I needed to know and that I needed to know.

I want to thank you Anxiety, for waking me up all hours of the night. Despite it being restless nights, you started giving me a driving hunger and passion to follow my dreams and goals in life. Despite the sleepless nights, you came and became a renewed being, soul and spirit of myself filled with grace, humanity and more. Despite reaching and seeking out help, I knew that I was not alone facing this, as there are many others like me going through this struggle. I knew that there was support and help out there for me, yet I needed to find it for myself. You also opened up my eyes and heart to accept my flaws, imperfections that I have and I am not ashamed; for what I have got as this has made me who and what I am today. I have come to terms and realization now that; I am the only one in control of my life and everything in it. I am the one in control of my happiness, peace, self-worth and more. Thanks for letting me have a bit of time where I could self-reflect to who are and will be in my social circle, and to deserve to still be in there despite it being a lonely road ahead of me.

Anxiety, one more thing I would like to say to you right now is; despite all the years that you were there causing me so much pain, misery, heartache and more, I am proud to say it was well worth it and I would not have been the woman I am now today, and would be in the nearest future.

Thank you!

Yours sincerely,


Letter to My Depression: Dear Depression, I Will Not Let You Control My Life

Letter to My Depression: Dear Depression, I Will Not Let You Control My Life 

Just a little side note:

Before I begin, these letter that will be on my series for the “Dear….” that some of these were written a long time ago and all that we need to express ourselves one way or another- be it through our videos, writing and more.

Yes! Some of the topics I may choose to write and share with the world may be touchy yet it needs to be shared from what I have been through along with many others that may have as well, My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more in each other – as a reader and writer. I feel in my heart right now that some of these everyday topics that we choose to sweep under the carpet or under our feet, to ignore them or to just deny the fact that it is not happening but in fact let us be REAL here IT IS HAPPENING. Whatever is happening in our lives, we need to question, “Why are they acting this way?” How are they really feeling?” etc. We cannot always blame others for our thoughts, actions and circumstances as we need to understand and see it from a bigger picture. With this one and many more that I wish to share, however besides it being touchy that I pray and hope that it does shed some light and encouragement to let you all know that we are not alone!!

Let us now begin this letter,


I remember the very first time when you came into my life, which was from the very beginning. Growing up as a sweet, young, innocent, bubbly girl that was full of energy and spirit. A sweet young and innocent girl growing up to not knowing what is going to happen, and you came in secretly into my life without any reason or my permission to the changes that were about to happen. I was growing up as a sweet, young and innocent girl, in a world full of unfamiliarities as well as uncertainties with broken dreams and promises. However, the first time we met you were cleverly hidden and disguised under me as a mask full of different emotions which I would show to the world. While you were cleverly hidden, you did not even surface, and I was at that time, ignoring the signs and symptoms of what you will bring, despite being at a tender young age of eight. I was always a happy, young-spirited, free-willed child that was bubbly in character and putting on the brave face, regardless of what it would be or could be as I had so much energy to burn.

The second time we met, Depression, was when I was in my pre-teens, trying to fit in and blend in with the crowd that I was associating and hanging with. I was then, however trying to act like somebody who I was not when a few of these sweet nothings and some basic name calling started to creep into my mind and creating so much doubt, fear, insecurities and uncertainties to who and what I am and was at that young age. I even felt my mind and body weren’t mine and that, they belonged to someone else. But, I now know and believed that this disease is incurable, but is manageable to a degree.

After having you in my life, it felt like I was in a deep and dark hole with no light. I fought myself and cried to myself at night, with tears streaming down my cheeks and face staining my pillow due to the torture of your sweet nothings and lies that you were feeding me.

I will say this to you that “Depression, you were a childhood friend to me, despite giving me so many hassles, drama, heartaches, heartbreaks and other mixed feelings just to basically give you full control of my life. It got me wondering when it was ever going to stop.”

In the end, I made it my choice to have you in my life and to control me. At midnight, a small silent voice inside of me, as well as a sharp tongue that was like a double-edged sword started penetrating deeper into my thoughts. It was you that was feeding me again with the sweet nothings, lies and more. You robbed me of everything that I had, and once knew and pretended you had the answers for everything to what I was going through, as I was battling and fighting this battle and struggle on my own. I felt while I was in my pre-teens, that I was ready to give up and give in to your wishes and commands, Depression.

I questioned myself, “Do I dare give in and give up?” While you were giving me false hope and false messages of whatever it was at that given moment of time I realised it wasn’t me.

I began to feel very sick and weak, and everything around me that started to fall out, I couldn’t grasp any more as it was out of sight and reach. The reality of me losing this battle that was never so strong.

While in my darkest moment, I was on a suicidal frenzy with you just the thought of me wanting out and pull the plug as well as quitting my fight to you. Yes, I did try to attempt to end my life during Depression, however and luckily, I had my loving and devoted parents by me for support. Yes, despite making their life hell, yet they still stood by me and to this day, they still are standing tall and strong by me, no matter what I am  going through or facing at that moment of time.

All the negative thoughts and sweet nothings that you poisoned me with over the years, fell back into my mind again as I kept crying myself to sleep at night, as so many countless nights I could not sleep through the tears of emotions of mine. I was trying to cope with the never-ending battle and cycle of mine with loneliness and no friends again; you were my friend as you then became the authority and a main source of my life, Depression. I was still stuck in negative thoughts that were growing so fast that then ended up clouding my judgement and perception of life, and living my life how I wanted to live it.

Again, you keep coming into my life unexpectedly, time and time again with sweet nothings, lies and false hopes saying; “No one is going to love you”, “You are nothing”, “You are worthless” and more. Meanwhile, I was battling with these thoughts day in and day out, yet now I believe that there is a brighter future and that, there is hope and light at the end of the darkest tunnel of mine as well as thinking that there will be someone out there for me that will love me for me despite what I may be facing or struggling with. Depression, what you have put me through was a house full of lies, feeding my mind, soul and spirit. I felt so stupid enough to give you the time of day as well as giving to you what you wanted from me in my weakest times and moments, as well as then becoming a slave to you. This illness can do everything it wants at any moment of time or day just by giving up my power to you and more importantly, the authority to just give you what you wanted, just to keep you satisfied.

The other set of emotions I was feeling at this moment of time will not cease or be quiet and calm as you overtook me and my life, yet I will admit Depression that you did create so many fears in my life. Depression, you know that you have a story of you to share and tell in this day and age. I shall now stand up against you. I believe that I am someone who has a vision, dreams and goals in my life which I believe I can achieve. Depression, despite being in my life you cannot and will not have me by having the power and authority in me. I do not now forever dwell on my past, regardless of you being there and what I have been through and struggled with. I am worthy of love, I am being be cared for, I am  worthy to be a princess, I am now worthy to let go of anything that is not  a part of me which is holding me down and out of my life. I am now worthy to let go of anything that you were clouding me; the doubts, lies and uncertainties as I take charge of my life. I am  now starting and will begin now to forgive myself as well as giving myself a chance to heal from whatever had been in the way of my healing, and to allow myself to be a better person as, well as being stronger in the mind, spirit and soul. I am  now forgiving myself and allowing myself to be stronger and better. I have had so many guys that have come in and out of my life just because you were feeding me so much lies and insecurities, as well as putting harm in the way, and I come against you right now. You however, caused havoc in my life when the guys did try to come into my life and you told me to accept that it was true love, despite some of the guys I have been with in the past. Today, I am  letting go of these ones that caused me so much grief and harm, and forgiving them; for what they did to me was wrong and unacceptable. I do not wish for anything else to be stolen in my life like peace, joy and self –worth and many more. I am starting today to rebuild everything that was lost and stolen from me. As you are in my life, I am going to take charge of my life right now, to be a better person and to love myself.

Today, Depression, I am letting you and all the negative thoughts, perception and judgement that were clouding over me to go. I will not give up and I shall and will not let this silence me. I do not know where my life is taking me to, yet I will  take a step of faith into the unknown and to trust and believe in myself, as well as starting to love myself again

Yours sincerely,

A victor and a winner.


Dear Suicide

Dear Suicide

Just a little side note: Before I begin, these letter  that will be on my series for the “Dear….” that some of these were written a long time ago and all that we need to express ourselves one way or  another- be it through our videos, writing and more.

Yes! Some of the topics I may choose to write and share with the world may be touchy yet it needs to be shared from what I have been through along with many others that may have as well, My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more in each other – as a reader and writer. I feel in my heart right now that some of these everyday topics that we choose to sweep under the carpet or under our feet, to ignore them or to just deny the fact that it is not happening but in fact let us be REAL here IT IS HAPPENING. Whatever is happening in our lives, we need to question, “Why are they acting this way?” How are they really feeling?” etc. We cannot always blame others for our thoughts, actions and circumstances as we need to understand and see it from a bigger picture. With this one and many more that I wish to share, however besides it being touchy that I pray and hope that it does shed some light and encouragement to let you all know that we are not alone!!

Let’s now begin.

Dear Suicide,

I know that there has been many times in my life that I have been struggling with a lot of battles and wars. As well as you know the internal and external struggles with these battles that has left me some scars and wounds that will take time to heal.  I know that I can and will win these. Despite that yes as we both know the choice is mine and mine alone. NO ONE ELSE’S.

You came into my life for a time and a reason. Whatever that time and reason was, I was so blind, naive and believing all the white lies that you told me, fed me and keep on whispering to me the sweet nothings of the darkest thoughts, deepest fears. Despite the tears of frustration that I cried every night behind closed doors, with other mixed feelings and emotions such as helplessness and hopelessness that I felt in my mind and spirit.

Despite all of these suicidal thoughts that started to come at my door that I will go through it all despite that I was tugging and towing, fighting so hard to know what is real and what was not at that time. While doing this time of figuring out what was my reality even though it felt like I was living in a nightmare that I did not belong or wish to be in. Trying to tug and tow to know what is real to reach out to others yet the fingers or hands are not anywhere in sight or in reach. Trying to call for help and not for attention.

You came for a reason obviously; to mock me, to despair me, to taunt me and more. During this time to tell me these white lies or whispering to me the sweet nothings again to try and remind me in my darkest thoughts at that time when Depression came in to visit as well, knocking on my door. Telling me again with these labels; that I was worthless, hopeless, helpless and more. Telling me that no one will love me, no one will want me, no one will accept me, nobody will care for me, nobody will see me for the real me and more.

You came into my life alongside with Depression and anxiety along with the negativity that has caused alot of grief and strife along the way in my life. You create thoughts, sweet thoughts of sweet nothings of the white lies in my mind to give me some false hopes, false dreams, false visions and more of what you wanted me to be or become. Even though I felt in my heart, mind, spirit and soul that there was more to what you were trying to offer to me and to what you were sharing in what is really going on. But at that moment, I was still blinded by your lies and perceptions that you were clouding in my mind.

When we first met, however, I was helpless mess as you know Suicide. You were darkening me with all this by creating so many self-doubt, self-negativity and confusion along with many other mixed feelings and emotions along with these dark thoughts again Depression came to visit me again along the way.

I was just a normal, typical young girl trying to make sense of the world, trying to fit in, trying to blend in, trying to stand out and figure out where I am heading and more in life like any young child would. Yet, despite all the peer pressures that was around while I was young – I was questioning myself over and over again, “What is or was going to be of me?” Despite all of this happenings I felt I was left out, taken for granted, left to hang out to dry, left on the shelf and becoming old and dust (figuratively speaking). I felt at the time also that I had nothing to give to others around me.

Despite all that, my world at the time was looking crazy, hazy and bleak, I felt really down in myself. I was just a normal, typical young girl, despite what was really going on I tried to keep on putting a brave face, happy face along with many  smiles on and with  me at all times. Despite it all, within that smile, obviously we knew deep down that that it was not going to last for long. I was free, happy, quiet, full of energy, zest and life for a short period of time and short while. As I start to grow up and mature, growing despite what I am going through in my everyday life struggles/circumstances that different situations around me some can be won and some can be lost. I just need to know what is the right battles to fight and what ones to leave alone. As some situations/circumstances are beginning to change and is being a little bit colder as well as me being older despite you made it hard to come to grips in reality of it all, that it has taught me alot of life lessons along the way along with some experiences that makes me wiser, stronger and smarter. There has been many misunderstandings and misgivings.

There has been many of times in my life in what I thought and I wished I knew despite being blinded through my darkest thoughts and fears that again was clouding over me through this time. Wishing, praying and hoping again and again who will be by my side, that will always have my back when I have theirs no matter what, catching me when I fall , supporting my dreams, goals and visions, catching/wiping away any tears that falls or streams down my face time and time again so that I can be at peace within myself.
Many times I have tried to share or tell someone that I do not feel okay in my small and quiet voice. I know and believe wholeheartedly that once in awhile it is okay to not feel okay at a time. Even though, it does test us for a point in every way possible in a mind, spirit and soul. Some of the times, many people have come into my life for a season and a reason. Some to test me. Some to build me. Some to tear me. So many times, there has been a lot of people that has mocked me, laughed at me, point the finger at me, backstabbed me, lied to me and more just to get what they want out of me. What they wanted was clear to me a REACTION. Some of the people that I invited in my life, obviously were not great people around me to keep me company, sane and more. No it was quite the opposite. I invited them in for a chance to show me what they can do for me and what they are worth. Yet, in doing so that I invited more than just them but their dramas and more. Many of times, there were some people that thought or said to me that “You are not going through this at all,” “You are only seeking attention”, “It is all in your head.” and many more statements.

From that moment on, I just kept on hiding away from the outside world and reality. I kept in my safe and secure place of mine- a safe haven, a home away from home like a security form of blanket to wrap around me regardless of the pain -emotional pain and scars that it was leaving behind. However, I felt that even though why should I be keeping all of this as a secret? Why should I be hiding? What am I afraid of? Despite these darkest fears that I kept locked inside for so long and questioning myself, “Why me?” “Why cannot it be someone else having to take away this pain that I was feeling?”
I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and everything will get better and brighter. Just keep holding on and keep fighting this fight. Do not quit.Stay strong. But the pains and battles I have been fighting and faced should not have lasted this long. I felt that I was despite telling myself about these lies, “Can you not tell these are just lies that has been told and that felt deeper and closer to me than I realised. The pain and battles that I was facing was so real and so strong. No matter what I tried to stop myself crying to sleep at night and again hiding everything  I really felt. Being blinded by the lies and the pain, I needed to find a fix again – be it I needed to cut myself, be it taking certain amount of pills and so on just to end my life- to say farewell and see you all later, farewell friends this is the end of my song of life.That is why I have been fighting these battles and demons for so darn long. Obviously, the answer was really clear and simple to me to just come face to face and to tackle it head on to fight my life and my song to give myself that one more chance to live again, to breathe again, to love again, to live again and so much more.

During the darkest moments and hours of my life, I met Depression again in some of the circumstances that we were being played too.There I thought to end my life as this life I was living was not mine as it was just a nightmare that I can not seem to get out of, feeling that trapped and alone. I thought I was living someone else’s life and dream all at once. So, hello to the pills, knives and other weapons to be seen and in reach as well as others that I used to get rid of the pain in what I really truly felt as I thought that this was the answer to end my life and song.

Yet, no matter how much times I tried and attempt this that there was a tug on my heart, also flashbacks playing back on my mind that I was loved, there was someone out there for me, there was someone that cared for me, there was someone that accepts me in everything I am to the core of my being. Obviously, the flashbacks gave me hope, peace, clarity, understanding and a vision that I can now see that I am loved, cared for and more despite to what I may have said and done to all in the past and present I did have a life and a chance. I had a life and a chance to not always mess around.

Years kept on slipping by and fast as I begin to realise myself that I do have a story to tell, a legacy to share as well as to this day still fight these demons everyday. I know that I have a life and a purpose. I have decided today to stand up and against so tall and strong that no matter what that there are people out there that loves and more no matter what and that no matter what everything will be okay and will be better over time. All I got to do is just believe and take tiny steps at a time. One foot forward at a time. Yes! Time is against us! Yet, alot of things in our lives test us BIG OR SMALL. But, we need to find the right people to support us and to guide us through our everyday life and to teach us and many more.

It breaks me to see a lot of people that do struggle and to end their own lives yet we can stand up and say we are better in what we are facing or going through in our lives and do better. Knowing the signs and symptoms, triggers and causes into knowing how others are really feeling and thinking instead of dismissing them as having a bad day. We can save their lives somehow also. Maybe just by being their voice or even just being there for support no matter what through the good times and the bad.



Letter to the Loved one- To the one who has passed away of a friend or family member.

Letter to the Loved one- To the one who has passed away of a friend or family member.

Dear friend, family member, even though I have not met you or I have met you once in my life- Now have I known you for this long as I felt in my heart that I should have done. But, I can not forever change to what has happened since you are now gone.This letter is for you. Yes, YOU. I have got something to share to you on what is on my heart and mind. I forever now really miss you as you have left a empty void in my heart. I thought that this will never for a second or a minute come to an end like this -between us.

I just know deep down in my heart that there is another conversation and another chance given to us waiting and given to us so that I can tell you that I love you as well as falling deep in love with you and you were a great friend, companion and relative (not by blood but by Spirit). I thought that tomorrow was and shall always come and be promised for us both to do what we always loved to do as well as being able to have one last chance to forgive and fix any wrongs before you parted.

I have never imagined or pictured a life without you in it. It hurts me deep down  to realise now that another memory of us will be created. Another laughter, tears to be shared and another moment will not forever be made! It is like right now,I question myself,  “How do I say a real and true good bye to yesterday when everything I want to hold onto about you, lives here?”

Honestly, sometimes, for me waking up every morning is sometimes bitter sweet for me because everything around me seems normal around me until I open up my eyes  and realise that this was a dream I do not know or cannot get out of.

After you have left me, I have lived with and in regret for so long- having these such thoughts that I could have been there more, to support you more when you needed someone there the most, to call you more just to hear your voice on the other end of the line one last time. I should have prayed for you more in the hour of your need. I regretted all the silent tears and cries that you shed every night. I thought to myself, “Why does it seem so easy to express to someone in whom you love dearly and holding them close to you and your heart despite that someone is no longer here in your life?” Why didn’t I give you more of an effort some red roses or something to cheer you up or even so that you can still smell the sweet smell. These thoughts I am sharing with you now are killing me softly yet slowly deep inside of me until I realised and open my eyes to something that this is not how you want to be remembered. This is how you do not want our relationship we had and shared to be remembered.

You are too much happy, carefree and at peace spirit and soul showing us a reminder that we should not forever have to  live our lives like this in the world of regrets, pain, bitterness and selfishness. You want a celebration of life as death is not an end for any of us before we saved a soul is just the beginning of new life and journey to be had and shared. This is nothing but an eternal reward for us all to seek. You will want me to keep your legacy alive and there is something in this world that life  of the life lessons that has taught me and that is to believe in what I stand up for, believe in myself, love myself more etc, I am having you saying all of this right now in spirit to me as you whisper these gentle and sweet reminders in how we should live our lives everyday.

This is not your job to understand God’s plans but it is your job to trust His Plans he has for me even if the pain that I go through some days are unbearable and hurts to do so. Remember this:“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

I shall feel stronger and closer as I do something in memory of you and for you that I have ever felt and been for quite sometime. It is like I can feel your warm presence wrapped around me and surrounding me and giving me a sense of joy, peace and hope. Now the tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy and here on in I shall go forth to sing and dance.

You taught me so many great things in life but I want people to hold onto the memories that I have of you that are gone. 1) Appreciate everything and anything in this life and never live in regrets. 2) Do not pass away with me but keep what you have alive in you.

You will never know a value of a moment until what you had is now a memory. Learn to appreciate every moment that you have with the ones around you and with you.

Thank you for teaching me all of this, I now know that I shall and will see you again. Nothing was ever lost until I found what I was looking for.