To the many friends who has left me because of my Mental Illness

To the many friends who has left me because of my Mental Illness

I am going to be real and transparent to you all who maybe reading this right now and if need be to expose almost everything out of the dark skeleton closet. This letter I’m reading/writing to you all who is reading this is one of the many that are the hardest to write to date to really expose my thoughts and feelings. Yes, I’ll admit to you all that sometimes I can be a pain in the arse or whatever yet it’s not fair or even good to even try to label me with everything under the sun. Why? Because that will just strip me from everything that I have been working myself on and that I also have hear them all before and I am doing best to be the best I can be for ME. Yet, let me tell you that these labels doesn’t deserve to be put on me as they should be put on the books or even on glass jars.

I know that there will be people that will come and go in our life for a time, reason, season and a purpose. May be they are there to expose us, to tear us down, to build us up. Yet, whatever the reason- or terms of events of some situations that we do personally struggle and go through in life of what we may face and what we go through will sure as hell test us who’s real and who’s going to be there as well as having our backs right to the end of tim. This can be a test also based on TRUST. Trust for me has always been hard for me to remain as to whatever it may be that the quote I lived by is this: “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” I do find it hard sometimes to trust people in my circle, so if you come in and then I start to open up to you my worst and dark fears along with secrets. Congratulations. I am now entrusting you with my life to trust you for whatever I share with you will remain between us til that time comes if need to reveal or share it to the world.

As I write this to you all and while you are reading this – I want to say this from the bottom of my heart thank you. That is the truth that is all I can do right now just to thank you. I want to say thank you for being a part of my life when you did decide to come in and be there for a time, season, purpose or reason. I want to say again thank you for leaving me and making me a stronger younger woman despite it being a real and scary as well as an emotional rollercoaster. I have now opened up my eyes wider and to see deeper to realise that all of this has to be done for me and me only. MY CHOICE ALONE NOT YOURS. I have now opened up my eyes wider and to see deeper to realise that this step I am making for change is for me to get better in myself in all areas – mentally, physically and spiritually.

Yes I’ll admit again that this can be the hardest decision you and I will ever have to make to date while having a mental illness to constantly seeing people that walk in and out of your life but at the same time this gives you and I a chance and opportunity to reevaluate and think about our relationships. If you were not ready and able to handle me now at my worst then you’re sure as hell not ready or so don’t deserve to be there at my best.

I want you to know while I sit and write/read this to you that mental illness is real and it’s not fake. You may or could get or have some type too. But, let me tell you that brains like any other organs we have are beautiful and that they’re responsible for so many tasks to do. And like any other organisation of the body or system – they can and will get sick. The fact is about our minds that it too becomes sick yet it takes years to notice before it starts to manifest into something else. When it does finally arrive and come knocking at our door to make its presence known, you might be able to minimise the pain for a short period of time or a short while without anyone noticing as we try to hide it as best as we can and not to show how and what it feels like but after holding or suppressing it for so long, it comes back like karma and a boomerang that keeps on returning and never leaves.


Too people around you- it’s like a quick and sudden change of moods, thoughts and attitudes all in a quick 360 in a short period of time and space. But in fact, it has been there all along- just real slowly and deeply stabbing you like a sharp dagger.


At some point in your llife- depression can and get so bad to the point where we just want to stay in bed due to the lack of motivation and energy that has been drained out of us or even to the point where it comes when we brush our teeth it becomes a choice and not a chore or part of a routine. Eating our meals of the good three times a day routine is nearly impossible and can go out the window as well as keeping up with homework/schoolwork or just general work that we do everyday can be and will be or become a challenge. Maintaining friendships is also a difficult task. I expect you to understand how I feel some days after to what I have been sharing pen to paper or in this case keyboard to screen or even just by watching some of my videos to share my life story.But, all I can do again is hope since you may not have experienced mental illness then again maybe you have but at some point in my life just being there for me can be more than enough as well as important as in talking to me and keeping in touch with me everyday. A call or a text message will be greatly appreciated as you took the time out of your day to see how I am and what I am doing.
What I do know and understand is this- in how hard it is not to have people in your life that you can turn to or to reach out to that you thought you were your best friends, confidant and more. You thought that you could seek out and just talk to them. What I do know and understand is that any mental illness of any kind doesn’t or can’t define me. What I do know and understand is that I will not invalidate myself just because of my mental illness or beat myself up if I have already lost a few friends along the way or even try to cry myself to sleep or worry about it. I believe I shall and will become better- I shall and will win the little accomplishments that I have made I should be forever grateful for of what I do everyday- Just being able to be in the moment. To breathe, live, love, laugh, dance and sing along with any other activities I love to do to build me up and look deep down to find out who and what is the real me.I shall and will keep practicing or continue to practice self-love and self-care. I shall and will seek help when I’m ready and when I need it. I wont let this stigma of mental illness win.


Aspie 🙂

GOODBYE 2016- HELLO 2017

GOODBYE 2016- HELLO 2017

I know that this is a late entry to share with you all on what I have been thinking as the year of 2016 is now over and that we should be looking into the changes needing to be done in 2017. Changes as in like maybe resolutions that has been fulfilled and achieved yet. I know for me that there is a lot of changes that has been happening for a long time and that it is a matter of just sitting down most of the time to relax, reflect and rewind.

What 2016 and many past years has taught me so much especially through all my difficult and trialling times as some of you will know what I have been through of late and that in saying that it has taught me so much more as I grow as a person- spiritually, mentally and physically. As we all grow that yes life has it’s lessons to teach us through our hardships as well as the times that we are winning. Believe you me- I have had a lot of setbacks/throwbacks from all shapes,sizes and forms. Yet, life is all about accepting what is and what isn’t along with appreciating with what we have got in our lives by counting our blessings as well as seeing what we have got is well worth it.Don’t get me wrong –  I still make mistakes now and then like any one of you- yet at this point of time I don’t need to be reminded of some attitudes that you think or beliefs that you think that needs to be changed as my own spiritual and personal growth is for me to decide what needs to go and what needs to stay.. As saying goes- time for throwing away some old trash etc.

I am still learning some of the most precious life values and morals to this day but I still have them inside of me.
I have now started to not be too hard on myself yet that is the hard part as always have done to strive for success and perfection. Yet, there’s no such thing as perfection right? How would I define perfection is the action or process of improving something until it is faultless. Yet, I believe to this day that I am still a working progress in myself with God’s Hands moulding and shaping me to be the right and perfect woman for the guy that will come into my life and show me more than what I know and never thought of dreaming it to be real.

I am now starting to also beside not being hard on myself but to keep trying to learn to love myself and be at peace within myself. Yes, this sure as hell has been a hard one for me yet I am getting better with a lot more practice. Self love like anything will come over time. Sure I still have my bad days but I still try to take it one day at a time and to accept myself. In the “Five Languages of Love.” by Gary Chapman- He himself shares with the readers about how to give and recieve love and they are as follows:

1. Words of Affirmation: Think Self-Love

*Practice daily affirmations. Our thoughts precede our emotions and behaviors.
*Recite mantras that encourage self-compassion. Bring your attention to being good to yourself.
*Journal your strengths and everything about you for which you are grateful. Document everything you accomplish, feel good about, do right, like about yourself, etc.
*Keep your self-talk positive. Turn down the volume of your inner critic and choose to be your best coach or cheerleader.

2. Acts of Service: Do Self-Love

*Prepare healthy meals for yourself. Put thought and effort into grocery shopping and meal preparation.
*Create an organized, clean and aesthetically pleasing home environment for yourself. Love where you live, even if on a budget.
*Schedule regular physical, dental and mental health check-ups. Address any health concerns in a timely manner if they arise. Without your health, you have nothing.
*Groom yourself with love and care. Put yourself together so that you feel like the beautiful person that you are.

3. Receiving Gifts: Absorb Self-Love

*Buy only what you love. Don’t allow things in your home and closet that don’t bring you positive vibrations. (While you’re at it, purge that which does not bring you joy.)
*Gift yourself with an experience on your bucket list. Always wanted to sky dive or go whitewater rafting? Budget it out and plan it. Enlist the help and support of friends as needed.
*Invest in your education and advancement. Want to pursue a higher degree? Take a cooking class? Learn how to be a yoga instructor? Do the research, apply for grants and scholarships, volunteer to learn new skills. Gift yourself with knowledge.
*Treat yourself to the wisdom and perspective gained from travel. Limited funds? Consider volunteer or service work or pooling together resources with friends and traveling on the cheap.

4. Quality Time: Be Present with Self-Love

*Set aside time for daily mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. These devotions will help you connect with your highest self.
*Make time for leisure and hobbies. Time for play and enjoyment is an important aspect of celebrating the gift of life.
*Prioritize sleep and exercise. You must reboot and revitalize your physical being.
*Do not over-schedule, over-book or over-commit. Your life is worth more than being a gerbil on a wheel…

5. Physical Touch: Feel Self-Love

*Stretch your muscles and give yourself a massage with a foam roller. Relax into your body.
*Release toxins by taking a hot bath with epsom salts. Release the stress and soak in the love.
*Moisturize your skin with lotions or oils. As you touch your skin, thank each body part for all it does for you.
*Give yourself a spa treatment: manicure, pedicure, facial, deep conditioning treatment, etc. Know you are worth extraordinary care.

Self-love is a journey for all of us. It takes dedication, devotion, and practice.  We need to resolve to love ourselves each and every day and watch our best self blossom and your greatest life unfold! Self-love is an exponential force.This is what I am trying to do with myself in some parts to what is shared in the process of self-love. 


Next one I admit is still a bit of struggle and that is patience. Yes every one does have their strengths and weaknesses to whatever it is that they are doing and that for sure is me. I have been impatient for some things to happen in my life for the better and for the good. I always tend to challenge and question myself to why is this happening to me? When will the __________________ stop? and so many more questions that does go around my head. But, I have now learnt that sometimes in all good time I shall receive my reward. It is all about time and more.

Friendship. Now, again one of my many struggles is trying to keep maintaining some friends in my circle yet again, there’s not many in my circle anymore. I have come to realise as we grow older and wiser that sometimes most of the time to what we go through will test us to see who will remain there. Yet, for whatever reason to why I have lost a lot of friends along the way that is fine by me as I know that there are always situations that will change regardless of all this. I know also to what I am going to say will be more said based on my next entry is that with my mental health I know that they have left me and sometimes it can be so lonely and dark without having people around me since I am the kind of girl that tries to strive to at least have her self independence. I also want to at this time to thank the ones that has come and gone in my life as this has taught me so many things. I am not going to be forever bitter towards the ones that has been gone for a while now. I made a choice to some parts to know who I should keep in my circle and who not to keep. The ones that will uplift me and support me. I only have a few people that I do contact on Facebook and other social media sites now and again that I could call acquaintances or friends as I have met some in person. Yet, in saying this however that I feel more at ease just to try and talk in front of the camera or even just to sit and write like I am doing now.

Forgiveness and letting go- This one did take forever to learn yet now I am starting to not show any signs of bitterness and hate towards people in my life as well as just letting go of some situations that was holding me back and not even bringing me any good fruit. I know that there will still be times that I will have my bad days and good days – yet it is how I will approach it.

Controlling my feelings and emotions- Now this is sure as hell the hardest one of the lot. Despite that majority of the time, I believe that I am a strong person and that I don’t show that much emotions yet there is a breaking point for us all. I do believe that I may sometimes let it slip for a time too despite my little meltdowns and how I control all these is again by choice -UP TO ME. No one else. I still learning this sometimes. Especially when it comes down to it I am now trying to learn to speak up and out about somethings that are unjust and unfair. Then, somedays I will get slapped on the knuckles (*figuratively speaking).

So, much more to share yet that is fine by me as this is some of the areas I would like to share with you all for now.



When you…

When you….

When you’re down and things are getting hard and tough for you don’t push away the people that matters to you most in life like your friends and families cause the more you push them away it will be too late and you’ll lose them for good. Families most importantly come first no matter what happens in life through the good and the bad as they need to stick with us. Some families can choose to stick with us or just go and leave us to fend for ourselves. Tonight I have realised that the ones you need the most is the friends and families you’re closest to. They’ve been there for you no matter how hard and tough the situation is. They never leave your side. You never know a good friend till you lose them and realised they are gone and it’s too late. We need to stay strong for the ones that are needed regardless of our situation; this will test us for our way of life through the good and the bad… Reach out to the people who loves you and who you love because you’ll never know but one day just one day they might surprise you.

Looking Into the Eyes of the Bully:Letter to the Bully

Looking Into the Eyes of the Bully:Letter to the Bully

Dear Bully or to the ones who thinks that it’s okay to hurt others in a way to make others around you suffer, so that you can claim your prize or reward that you thought you’ve won? No! Sorry, things do not work this way in the real world. Does it feel good for you inside that you feel you can accomplish anything, as well as to terrorize or cause agony, pain or grief towards the ones that you’ve given a hard time to? Does it make you feel good seeing the ones that you give them a hard time to feel worthless or helpless? What gives you or who gives you the damn right to terrorize others around you or giving others that are around you a hard time? I’m sick and tired of crying at night, laying there all alone feeling like I’m nothing, when I now believe that I’m something. Just because you’re having a bad day at home, school or at work,   it doesn’t give you the right to treat everyone that way.

NOTHING. You’ll feel absolute nothing towards us, despite whatever it is that you’re going through, or even thinking that we’re the problem when in reality, you’re the problem!You’veno right to treat others this way, as I’m one of the people you were giving a hard time. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way-on the treatment that you gave me-and that I’m sick and tired that feeling every day that I was a victim too. I’m sick and tired that every day you came into my life with your attitude and thinking, you were right all the time; that no one else around you has any good opinion. You refused to listen, as you thought strongly that they were against you. And that, you didn’t even bother to try and listen to them as they talked, thought and felt the way they do from your harsh treatment.

I will not think that I am a victim any more, after the times you did put me through hell. I shall and will however label or moreover myself a victor, as I’ve been through more, and what you put me through has made me a stronger and wiser person today than ever before. You bully however, need to take on full responsibilities for your own actions and these actions are being watched by others and are being noted.

As I said before, yes I’ve been through a lot. But that I’m not going to let it stop me from what I’m doing today, or what I’m becoming. I’m a stronger and better person today than I was a few years back. Yes, I feel that you have a lot of growing up to do as well as more learning. You can try and pick at my faults and more, yet this is who and what I am, and I’m beginning to become my future. The faults of mine that you may see in me are a reflection of yourself. You need to admit that you’re the problem and deal with your problem. You need to stop lying to yourself and others that everything’s okay, when you believe and know wholeheartedly it’s not okay. You need to stop thinking that, how you treat and speak to others is okay. You need to be the one to be able to break the cycle of what you’re doing and facing right now as I see in you, chains, holding you back and down. I see that you’re living behind a mask.

I used to be one of those hiding behind masks, for a while. The chains I see need to be broken emotionally and spiritually. I see when I look into your eyes that you’re heartless and afraid, and it’s normal to be afraid of many circumstances. Remove that macho act and admit what I’m saying to you right now, that’s true. I ‘experienced this and this isn’t a pretty sight. Everyone has his/her own issues and demons to face, as well as everyday struggles. High praises to others around me that had found solutions and ways to break free from these cycles instead of complaining about it.

Sadly, there a few out there thinking about ending their lives or feeling hopeless and helpless. I say this to those ones contemplating to do so – don’t end your life today for you’re loved, you’re unique, you’ve got a purpose in life even if you don’t think or feel that you do. I love each and every one of you, and hope that this message will bring hope and peace in your lives right now in the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

Just remember that you’re not alone and that there’s help out there for you all. I’m speaking from my heart and based on my experiences I’ve been through. Don’t make the same mistakes in your lives. It does no good for others on the other side trying to put you down, trying to ruin you and your self-worth, self-confidence and more. These bullies need to know what’s going on with us as well as them. We need to be kind to one another and love one another. Forgive one another and so much more.


Letter to the Loved one- To the one who has passed away of a friend or family member.

Letter to the Loved one- To the one who has passed away of a friend or family member.

Dear friend, family member, even though I have not met you or I have met you once in my life- Now have I known you for this long as I felt in my heart that I should have done. But, I can not forever change to what has happened since you are now gone.This letter is for you. Yes, YOU. I have got something to share to you on what is on my heart and mind. I forever now really miss you as you have left a empty void in my heart. I thought that this will never for a second or a minute come to an end like this -between us.

I just know deep down in my heart that there is another conversation and another chance given to us waiting and given to us so that I can tell you that I love you as well as falling deep in love with you and you were a great friend, companion and relative (not by blood but by Spirit). I thought that tomorrow was and shall always come and be promised for us both to do what we always loved to do as well as being able to have one last chance to forgive and fix any wrongs before you parted.

I have never imagined or pictured a life without you in it. It hurts me deep down  to realise now that another memory of us will be created. Another laughter, tears to be shared and another moment will not forever be made! It is like right now,I question myself,  “How do I say a real and true good bye to yesterday when everything I want to hold onto about you, lives here?”

Honestly, sometimes, for me waking up every morning is sometimes bitter sweet for me because everything around me seems normal around me until I open up my eyes  and realise that this was a dream I do not know or cannot get out of.

After you have left me, I have lived with and in regret for so long- having these such thoughts that I could have been there more, to support you more when you needed someone there the most, to call you more just to hear your voice on the other end of the line one last time. I should have prayed for you more in the hour of your need. I regretted all the silent tears and cries that you shed every night. I thought to myself, “Why does it seem so easy to express to someone in whom you love dearly and holding them close to you and your heart despite that someone is no longer here in your life?” Why didn’t I give you more of an effort some red roses or something to cheer you up or even so that you can still smell the sweet smell. These thoughts I am sharing with you now are killing me softly yet slowly deep inside of me until I realised and open my eyes to something that this is not how you want to be remembered. This is how you do not want our relationship we had and shared to be remembered.

You are too much happy, carefree and at peace spirit and soul showing us a reminder that we should not forever have to  live our lives like this in the world of regrets, pain, bitterness and selfishness. You want a celebration of life as death is not an end for any of us before we saved a soul is just the beginning of new life and journey to be had and shared. This is nothing but an eternal reward for us all to seek. You will want me to keep your legacy alive and there is something in this world that life  of the life lessons that has taught me and that is to believe in what I stand up for, believe in myself, love myself more etc, I am having you saying all of this right now in spirit to me as you whisper these gentle and sweet reminders in how we should live our lives everyday.

This is not your job to understand God’s plans but it is your job to trust His Plans he has for me even if the pain that I go through some days are unbearable and hurts to do so. Remember this:“Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

I shall feel stronger and closer as I do something in memory of you and for you that I have ever felt and been for quite sometime. It is like I can feel your warm presence wrapped around me and surrounding me and giving me a sense of joy, peace and hope. Now the tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy and here on in I shall go forth to sing and dance.

You taught me so many great things in life but I want people to hold onto the memories that I have of you that are gone. 1) Appreciate everything and anything in this life and never live in regrets. 2) Do not pass away with me but keep what you have alive in you.

You will never know a value of a moment until what you had is now a memory. Learn to appreciate every moment that you have with the ones around you and with you.

Thank you for teaching me all of this, I now know that I shall and will see you again. Nothing was ever lost until I found what I was looking for.