As I walk through these lonely long footsteps now after hearing the tragic yet horrific news about some of the people in my life has now gone out of my life through death. That death came knocking at their door and that death has taken them away for whatever reason it may be. I am walking in disbelief, shock and anger wondering to myself, “Why?” “What did I do to make it wrong?” And so many more of these unanswered questions. I had all sorts of crazy thoughts that were running through my mind at the time. These unanswered questions and thoughts needs to be silenced once more. Time stood still when I heard this as it felt like almost a sharp dagger stabbed my broken heart as I ache to have the ones that I loved and cherished in my life to still be here. Yes, I have so many mixed feelings, emotions and thoughts right now. Yet, it saddens me that the place where some of us have been and seen is now just a memory and a place of comfort and peace. I come here often as this is a quiet place for me to sit down to think and to write as well as to reminisce all the memories that has been shared through it all. But, now it breaks my heart that the places that was shared, the laughter shared, the tears shared and more is now gone. I only have now some photos as well as some letters from the ones that wrote to me as well as knowing now that they’re only here with me in spirit.
Dear Grief as you know that despite the loved ones and friends that I had are now gone, writing in my journal gives me so much peace and comfort and it helps me alot just by pouring all my hurt, thoughts onto a page or in this case on the screen.
Dear Grief, I want to ask you how did it happen, why did it happen, why now? Why did some of my friends and family that I loved and adored had to suffer the situations that they went through and not even bother telling me about it? Why did they had to think that they were doing me a favor to end their life or even just death in itself take them away. I question myself, was I good enough to be standing by them through their hard times even if I didn’t see the signs of what was really going on in their life? Would I be able to be their superhero, or even just some listening ear or board when they needed someone the most? I feel so hurt and angry. I cry every time I hear the names of my friends and loved ones that has passed. I cry every time when I hear their name to the ones that has left some precious and special people in their lives of their parents, children and grandchildren. I cry when I now know that they’re now gone and won’t forever see the beauty of this world of what the world is like and what their future would have been like. Some of them to have their own family, grow old and learn from their mistakes and just to grow in themselves in spirit. All the while that the nevers that is said are breaking me to pieces and breaking my heart. Another day starts and that life goes on from the ones that are gone and that I have realised with them gone that I have now been given more peace, hope and inner courage and strength to continue my life. You’ve taught me that there’s one life and chance in this lifetime to make things right and if I fall down or feel that I have failed something, I just gotta keep on going and not let anything or anyone stand in my way. I feel some days that they are at a standstill because the times that has been shared is now slowing down. But, grief, I know that you’re here to stay with me for a reason. And, also grief you’ve also become a part of me into what I am going through to what I am now becoming. It makes me happy and at peace when I think about the ones that I have loved and lost along the way. I have been with them through the thick and thin and that we may have fought some times and that I have been with them with some part of the journey of where they were. Despite it all, in spirit they are with me and that they keep me going. Many of the ones that I have loved and lost along the way has inspired me to be the best me I can be and to be an inspiration to others big or small accomplishments made as well as making some of my dreams and goals a reality. With sharing memories to the world of my loved ones and friends, it brings me so much happiness. When grief is being shared, it feels less lonely and not feel that I am in the dark as there’s others out there that will need me for whatever reason it may be. When any of my loved ones or friends that I’ve lost of their names being shared, it just brings spark of joy, happiness and laughter. Doing some of the things for my loved one and friends is so precious to me to share with others do bring me some HOPE. My loved ones and friends will always be who and what they are to me. My love for my loved ones and friends will continue to shine and radiate through to others as they come on my journey and path of life to show me what life means to them. Grief you’ve completely changed my life yet the bond shared with my loved ones and friends hasn’t changed along with whatever memories that we had and shared will still be there. I have said this many of times yet now I am writing it to pen to paper as well as sharing it to the world. I am now accepting you grief! Why you may ask? As you have now been accepted as part of my life, love for everyone I’ve lost.
I know that this one is really late of my entry yet I had to take the time out to reflect onto what is it I need for me- just me! I have been obviously in past few years looking out for others interests and that now I need to be sure that I am looking after myself.
I did a video based on a montage of what my year was like for me in 2017 to give you all an inside look to my life of what it can be like. I do have my good and bad days like you all. I try to take the bad and make it into something real and positive.
Afterthought: There’s nothing more beautiful than just the way how nature shows and graces its appearance and beauty in all its beauty and form. While it sleeps and chooses to grow throughout every season continues to smell the fragrant air, hearing the birds and sounds of nature in amongst it all. There’s nothing more wonderful than as we walk along the cold and smooth sand as the waves comes rushing at our feet while in time of the tides of change as well as seasons of change comes thereafter a change that takes place in us. Yet, as we know that the sea doesn’t forever change as the sea awakens and returns to us once more to us in hands of love, peace, hope, sleep and serenity. As well as my empty and broken soul upon your swift lips.
It’s quite funny and imaginable yet in reality that we were or once lived in the past and keep on being alive and yet was trapped, I am now alive and free to live in the now. Living in the moment-our moment to conquer, our moment to breathe, our moment to shine, our moment to fight, our moment to rise, our moment to fall, our moment to succeed, our moment to fail.
Now, you’re alive and breathing, you’re living in the NOW. Now as in your souls, spirits and minds. Not letting the mind control you. Take a real deep think or look around at this time last year as you’ve come this far in your journey of life and doing better than you ever were and could have done possible. Yes, you may have had some doubts about what you can do and can accomplish but besides all of the odds you still achieved it. It wasn’t about YOU. It was your turn to lean on someone in whom you trust and believed in and you’ve proven time and time again you’re not a little child or a little girl anymore. You’ve proven that you’re grown up and mature and that you’re grown into a young woman of who you want to be and how you want to be. In saying this, that you’re learning from your past mistakes and learning to let go of what was and never can and would be- letting go of some of the expectations that has been put on you – learning to stand up again when you’ve fallen- Learning to forever be patient in what’s to come. The fog and dark clouds of self doubt that was whispering in my ear of the pure white lies for who and what I am but do I choose to listen? Do I choose to invite them in my life ? The thing that is most wanted from many of us is wanting to be cured or fixed but do we want to be? Yet, the truth is I’m all that I’m becoming – A young woman that’s more aware and alert of the changes in and around me and to accept any changes and challenges that lies ahead.
No turning back now- Time to move forward and strive for my greatness.
Today was a sad day for me as I just found out recently in the last few days that there has been posts about a family friend that recently passed. I found this out through a friend of mine back in High School posting it on social media of Facebook. I didn’t know nor did a few others knew about her health as she was a private woman and that she is popular and liked by others. Her funeral was today (Wednesday 1 February, 2017).
I was hoping to be there yet I am hoping that my little family were there to paid respects to the family. There was maybe a lot of people from near and far that went to pay their tributes. I surely will miss her as should have made time for her and family along with others that I have been trying to make time with in my little township.
It goes to show how long we have on this Earth and that we should do things as much as we can. We should always count our blessings as well as also being able to love the ones that we hold close to our hearts near us. Live life to the fullest and be sure we try and do everyday things with no regrets. We should be sure to do things that we will always be remembered by leaving a legacy for others to follow and share.
I don’t like saying goodbyes. I know that I am not the only one as am sure that there are many others like me. I know that despite it all that this person that has passed along with many others I knew and loved that they are in a safer place free from pain and anguish.
Here is a bible verse called: A time for Everything-Ecclesiastes 3
It goes like this: There is a season and time for everything- A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot what was. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild or build up. A time to weep and a time to smile and laugh.A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to let go. A time to search and a time to give up as lost. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together. A time to be silent and to listen and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
Goodbye my family friend- Fly high and reach for the stars. You will be sadly missed but not forever forgotten. You will always be in our hearts and that your love and smile will always radiate within us.