Just to bear in mind before I begin writing this as you read this written blog that many people have a misconception or misunderstanding about certain people that are autistic or on the autism spectrum of how an autistic should be acting, thinking etc. Every autistic is different no matter where they’re at in their age and development in life. Autistics do have a different wiring in their brain to how they may work and that all we need to know is that we are feeling accepted and understood by the ones that we are with no matter what. We shouldn’t feel like that we’re being judged by others or being looked at a different way. After all, we are human! We need to remember that despite all of this that not all autistics are the same. If you heard the saying if you meet one autistic, you’ve met one. Some of us doesn’t like having labels on any kind that people may throw at us, no matter what it is, we may have heard many of them. We need to remove some of the expectations about most people as well as to also remove the stigma around autism as there’s still a lot of work to be done here for us on the spectrum.
Have you ever met someone in your life that you feel that you can connect with them? Laugh with them? Joke with them? etc. As if like you’re really making a connection with them and that you feel that they’re understanding you and that you feel as if you’re loved and accepted by them, right? You feel like that you’re building a connection of some form of friendship/relationship with some people, no matter what along the way! No matter what it is. We know that we feel on top of the world, feeling like that we’re loved and accepted by the ones that we are with that we cherish and love. When it does happen when we find someone that we can connect with that we feel happy and at peace in ourselves and with them.
Have you ever felt that after that special connection you feel with someone that you’re with that you’ve got some similar interests and hobbies and thinking that you’re friends for life?
Have you ever felt alone and isolated and feel left in the dark for however long of some of the situations that we’ve faced didn’t go the way we wanted or expected or even go right for us in the first place? It doesn’t have to be a friendship that was broken down. It could be while you were in a relationship with someone that it went sour and that you both decided to go separate ways. Or it could be to do when you’ve been trying to connect with people and making friends until you realised who they truly were while you were struggling in your most difficult times of your life.
For me as an example into when I am doing my utmost best in making and keeping friends some people to misunderstand me or misread me into how or what I try to say to them. Sometimes, it can be a struggle with me into what I want to say as all of it is in my head and it’s racing around and it feels like I am vomiting out all my words. Figuratively speaking. It’s like what I’v shared before I feel that I have to mask up my feelings, actions thoughts and feelings just to fit inside a box full of expectations from what a neurotypical world of how and what they want me to say, think and act. Yet, we know that this doesn’t work that way in real life. It’s all about us accepting each other no matter what we have or for even accepting our faults, flaws and imperfections.
I have come to terms now that there’s always going to be someone who’s going to try and change me no matter what it is that they think it needs to be. Yet, I believe if I was to change something about myself it is about acknowledging that yes something needs to be changed and how we can actually change it based on our thoughts, experiences and the outcome of it all. Yes, we’re all changing in every day life of what goes on within ourselves and some of the situations that we face and choose to do what we can. We need to choose wisely of our battles that we face everyday as some will come at a cost. I’ve come to accepting what I’ve got and to work with all the different situations that I face and that I hope to find the right people who will accept me for me with all my faults, flaws and imperfections. Like I’ve been accepting of others to a point of who and what they are as a person. I learnt that sometimes we can’t forever change a person until we make a change in ourselves no matter what it is. I don’t need to be told what needs to be changed as I’m working on it myself as I’ve been learning to gain confidence and independence on my own without others. I know that there’s always going to be people around me that’ll not always like me or what have you yet we’re here for a reason and a purpose in life and it’s just finding that purpose and more. I believe strongly and wholeheartedly I shouldn’t have to change how I speak, act and think. All I am asking from others is to at least share with me what I can do better if I’m failing it all.
Was there ever a time in your life however that you felt that you felt every strongly in your heart that you’ve tried to reach out so many times and that you felt that not many people would want to be there and listen to you while you’re suffering in silence? You had some sort of niggling feeling and negative thinking that no-one was there for you or wanted to be there for you while you’re drowning in your own thoughts and situations that you were going through? Sometimes, people start to put labels on you about who and what you are as a person and that then you feel that you start to believe them. You feel that whenever you’re trying to reach out to someone that no matter what you’re going through of the situation at hand that they tend to ignore or push you away. There are reasons to why they’re pushing us away from our struggles. Maybe, they’re struggling with something that we’re not aware of. Sometimes, it takes guts for someone to raise their hands and ask for help. It takes more courage to actually accept that there’s something wrong and actually work with what is wrong and also knowing the first step is definitely acceptance. It’s a sign of weakness if we act upon our negative thoughts and feelings.
For me, nine times out of ten, I will be trying my best to be around others like a little social butterfly regardless of my social anxiety and to be there for others to listen to them if they need someone to talk to. To be there for them by not judging them at all, to be patient with them. To be their advice or soundboard if they need it. I believe that we all should try and be there for someone in our lives no matter what the situation that they’re facing or going through. I believe that we should also try and be empathetic and to walk in their shoes to know what’s going on in their lives. We need to choose wisely to what we want to say to that someone who’s struggling.
Let’s be real and honest here that we all go through stages and phases of loneliness and isolation here. We need to remember when we go through these stages and phases that it’s not our fault. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and that we need to learn from some of the struggles and situations that we face to why it happened. If it was supposed to be, it will be. It wasn’t meant for us to at least go through the struggle of any kind that they’ll definitely give us some life lessons along the way. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, young or old however, autistic or a neurotypical or even a child. We all go through these phases one way in our life. These phases do come and go like the seasons that changes all the time. Imagine it for now the four seasons that are cycling all in one time. That for example: you’re lonely, got friends, you’re lonely, you’re isolated or whatever else it may be. This is how it felt for me and this is how it is to this day for me on these type feelings or cycles.
I look at a clear example for loneliness in me the four seasons that there are changes and phases of life like for example the leaves falling off the tree Or they’ll change color. Or the flowers will bloom once in a while and then loses its petals. Or young animals being born. Everything and everyone will go through seasons of change. Question is are we willing to change anything about ourselves? Are willing to accept that something needs to be changed?
I guess you all can feel me that there’s some parts that I’m dealing or facing right now that I do my utmost best to socialise as much as possible with others around me. (Reference: Friendships and Socialisation playlist on YouTube which you can click here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD1nCoeovTZ5FRKGUeYX9bZc7ENxkNhbD).
I’ll do my utmost best to socialise regardless of my social energy tank in how full or empty it is. I still will push forward as best as I can. In one of the videos that’s on my playlist should clearly explain about the social energy tank in how it works for us autistics.
I must admit, hell yes I’m experiencing loneliness once in a while. I don’t need people to try and insult me or criticise me at all. Sometimes, in my experience with loneliness it can be a good thing for a time having its benefits and it can also be a bad thing. With me for sometime, I had a fear of being alone or just lonely, yet I try to weigh up its pros and cons of me being lonely.
There are two different types of distinct loneliness and they are as follows: Unintentional and Intentional Loneliness. What are they you maybe questioning about these two terms that I’m sharing with you all.
Merriam Webster defines: Unintentional: not done or by intention design : not intentional an unintentional effect causing unintentional harm/offense.
Intentional: done by intention or design : INTENDED intentional damage.
Intentional loneliness is when a person is trying to be active in socialising yet they’re on their own. Minding their own business and not talking to anyone at all. Why is this? There are a lot of reasons. Maybe they’ve been bullied. Maybe they’ve tried to open up to people and then when they do they feel that their trust or lack of has been broken. Maybe they’ve tried to open up and gain some confidence in themselves and by being around people and it took them a whole while or took them a while to get to that stage in their life of being confident and being able to trust people around them. Another reason could be a death in the family or a close friend that has passed on or maybe last but not least, they just woke up and chose to make that decision to not to communicate or not to talk at all.
The other hand of the meaning of unintentional loneliness is that you’re trying your best to fit in or blend in with others, trying to get attention from your friends or family in a social gathering yet parents are talking with their peers. I’ve learnt that we shouldn’t have to blend in just to feel accepted or blend in to make friends. We should be able to be ourselves and who cares if we’re the black sheep amongst the white sheep. We’re born to stand out. We’re born to be different. We’re born to make a difference in this world if we choose to that is. For an example- you’re not going to be noticed at all and not going to be fitting in.
I’ll be sharing how to overcome or what you can do in dealing with loneliness in my next blog post. Do keep an eye out on this.
To end this blog:
It is understandable that we all feel alone sometimes in our lives. Maybe, something has happened in our lives no matter what it is for example again going through a traumatic experience such as being sexually assaulted, bullying, losing trust in people or lacking in confidence etc. The thing is if you stay isolated or alone long enough, and you keep pushing away as there’s some people that are being real and true that wants to be there for us through it all.
Advice to the viewers to watch through the video I’ve added in this blog.